For the sake of plurality, this blog will occasionally be given over to Jan Jones, The Daily Mail’s expert on cultural, social and media affairs, from her unique perspective of being fiscally comfortable mother of two with a second home in Provence and a stunning recipe for fruit cake. And you don’t achieve those dizzy heights without knowing a thing or two …

First up, Jan on Toby’s comedy club in Manchester, the current cricket test, and the state of our nation’s libraries.

THE JAN JONES OPINION

COLUMN ONE

To ensure some balance was restored to our suffering nation, a Daily Mail columnist ventured bravely to the frontline, at one of the country’s most critically acclaimed “alternative” comedy nights. To her lack of surprise, if you were black or gay or militant, you were welcome. But an ordinary working taxpayer … ?

Words by Jan Jones

Well that takes the biscuit (can you call them biscuits anymore? Probably not). I have been asked to write my thoughts on XS Malarkey comedy club, compered by this website’s host, the “comedian” Toby Hadoke. Do you see what I did there? I used inverted commas to say that he isn’t really one because I don’t find him funny. It’s brilliant – you can do it to anything you don’t like but don’t have the vocabulary to deconstruct. I bet they haven’t thought of that at the “Guardian”.

I have to say, I was frankly appalled by this “comedy” (see, it’s easy this humour thing) club. First off, the price. It was only £3 for members. £3 – why should an award winning comedy club be so cheap? I asked the woman at the “door” if this was the case but she, shockingly, insisted upon dealing with everyone who was in front of me in the queue. Wasn’t it enough that they were going to get in before me by sheer chronological advantageousness, but now this “woman” wasn’t even going to speak to me despite the fact that if she ever gets ill, it’ll be the tax I’ve paid that is used to cure her? When I finally did get to the front of the “queue”, I spat at the woman and attacked her with pliers and she had the affront to take offence. I was paying, surely I’m entitled to behave in any way I see fit? The customer is always right. Apparently not at XS so-called Malarkey, where they don’t allow stag dos or hen dos or office parties. Hmm, I wonder what their policy is on Muslim discos or gay backpackers? They probably let them in by the lorry load.

I could investigate this by going undercover, but frankly, I’m a journalist! Why should I be trying to find stuff out that people could just tell me. Well, not at XS Malarkey – apparently this girl couldn’t spare me the time because she had “a comedy night I need to get started”.

He'd have probably been allowed to stay

I looked around me: there were all sorts there. Students, couples, young professionals, people from the North. But what struck me was how much fun they were having. A typical example of today’s society: enjoying themselves, blissfully unaware that the spectre of  inheritance tax and compulsory recycling bins would very soon gobble them up and leave them as empty husks of pain. There were some comedians on, but they swore and joked about the Queen. Well, I assume they did, it was very difficult to hear because I was trying to talk to my 24 hour dry cleaners but what chance does a humble mother of two stand against a left winger with a microphone? They even had the audacity to ask me to be quiet. I didn’t ask them to be quiet, what right have they to deny me access round-the-clock skirt pleating and chemical stain removal? Really, this country.

It got me thinking though, this laughter business. I bet that tragic murder victim from Christmas would have liked to have enjoyed an evening of comedy, but she never will again. And yet none of these people saw fit to stop and ponder that for a moment. A shocking indictment of our selfish society.  And if she hadn’t been cruelly snatched from us, I doubt she’d be laughing at jokes about the government. She’d just be happy to be alive. She wouldn’t be demanding to wear a burkha or medicine for “depression” or joining a union. She’d just be grateful she got to eat her pizza.

My thoughts (and phone call to my friend Lynn) were rudely interrupted when I was asked to leave the premises. “We don’t tolerate people talking through the acts,” I was told. “Well, if you tolerate this then your children will be next,” I said, quoting that pop star. They had no words, and so I turned on my heel and was escorted from the premises.

I left, the “laughter” ringing in my ears. These people probably think they are happy, but they wait until their maid turns up late for work, or until the olive oil delivery becomes 50p more expensive because of fuel charges. Then they’ll be laughing on the other side of their faces (some of which were pierced).

A homeless man asked me for money as I made my way to my Land Rover. “I’m homeless,” he said. “Lucky you, you don’t have to pay council tax or contents insurance” I said, wisely. He had no answer to that.

And nor does so called “comedy”.

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Champagne : Illegal in India no doubt

Apparently the BBC give away something called a Champagne Moment during the cricket. Glad the BBC has plenty of champagne: something that I’ve singlehandedly paid for through my licence fee. However, this particular one was won by the Indian captain. Well, being Indian, it’s likely he’s a Muslim or Hindu or one of those other ones that aren’t quite as bad, and they don’t drink. I bet you no-one expected him to drink the champagne out of respect for our way of doing things. How different to if we’d been over there and won their equivalent, (the IBC’s Ramadan Moment or some such, no doubt). I bet you our poor, apologetic team of Westerners would have downed that Ramadan out of sheer politeness.

Think on.

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I rang my local library the other day and asked if they had  an organic chicken they could provide me with as I forgot to get one from my local butcher, who was now closed. They said they didn’t and when I told them that my job was terribly important and that I couldn’t do it without having a nice supper, they curtly told me that they only dealt in books, music and a small selection of educational DVDs.

Is it too much to ask people to think out of the box, provide genuine customer service, and stop being jobsworths?

Apparently not in today’s Britain.

This article originally appeared at the XS MALARKEY website. The club reopens in September after refurbishment.

For more Daily Mail wisdom, try this expose of the NHS.